Star Wars
by Panda Food
Summary: Yes! A poorly written cheap Star Wars parody in which I replace all those wonderful characters with my own! And those of my friends. Slight story changes, just to help it make more sense. Enjoy!
1. Attack of the Empire

AN: Well, well, well. Here I am with a Star Wars parody. This will amuse, really, only people who know me...and those who like cheap stories. Anyway, I'm keeping a lot of the script from the movie in here, with my own touches and changes. Hrmm...maybe a Robot Chicken reference in here somewhere...oh well. The usual disclaimer, I own only my own characters, I don't own Star Wars in any way, George Lucas does.

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_A long time ago in a galaxy far far away..._

*Insert John Williams*

Episode IV: A New Hope

It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.

During the battle, Revel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet.

Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy...

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In the deepest recesses of space, a battle ensued between an Imperial Star Destroyer and a small rebel ship. The crew of the latter rushed to their stations and prepared to be boarded by the Star Destroyer. On that ship, a golden humanoid robot, C-3PO scurried nervously around on stiff legs with his counterpart, a short blue and white droid, R2D2. A direct hit caused the ship to tremble tremendously.

"Did you hear that?" 3PO asked R2. His answer was a jumble of mechanical high-pitched beeps. "They shut down the main reactor core, we'll be destroyed for sure!" More beeps.

"We're doomed. There'll be no escape for the princess this time."

A rumble at the door hailed the arrival of Imperial Troops. Spark flew as the door was cut. An explosion opened the door, and Troops rushed in, firing shots blindly into the haze. The droids hurried away from the action to find a safer place to hide.

Bodies soon littered the floor, mostly of the Rebels. Out of the smoke stepped a figure enveloped in a black, with a cloak that trailed along the ground and hid her face. She was a taller than the Clone Troopers. It was none other than the dark lord herself: Darth Vader. She looked at the carnage around her feet and shook her head.

"What a mess" she proclaimed, almost to herself.

Meanwhile, 3PO had lost R2D2. His frantic search was ended when he spied him in a secluded section of the ship. In front of him was a woman in a white robe, her blonde hair tied into tight buns on the sides of her head. She appeared to be talking to the droid, about what, 3PO didn't know. In the hallway, Rebel soldiers were being hunted by the Empire's troops. The woman checked that the coast was clear and then pressed something on the R2 unit. As the droid rolled away, she pressing herself against the wall, making herself hidden.

R2 rolled up to the shiny droid beeping and whistling."At last! Where've you been?" 3PO asked, as quickly as he could. He began to drone on about how doomed they were, about how they were sure to be made into scrap metal. R2 was having none of it. He rolled off with 3PO at his tail, demanding an explanation in his always proper voice.

The Rebels aboard the ship had been taken prisoner. Darth Vader had one in her gloved grip, holding him above the ground so his feet dangled as he fought for air. An Imperial Soldier reported to Vader: "The Death Star plans are not in the main computer."

She was not pleased by this. "What have you done with those plans?!" she demanded of the man in her hands. His answer was gurgled and hard to understand. She was able to make out "We're...on a...diplomatic..."

"If this is a diplomatic ship, then where is the ambassador?!" The man did not answer, as he had breathed his last before Vader had even finished her sentence. With disgust, she threw the body against the wall. She turned and made an order to her troops.

"Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found the plans. And bring me the passengers, I want them alive!" With that, she walked off, and the troops carried out her orders.

In the snug hallway, the woman in white watched the Imperial Soldiers coming ever closer. She held a weapon, ready to fire. She was noticed. "There's one, set for stun!" She fired two shots before making a run for it. She didn't get far before she was knocked unconscious by her adversary. "Inform Lord Vader we have a prisoner."

R2 had rolled himself with 3PO in tow, still babbling, to the ships escape pods. R2 beeped something only 3PO could understand.

"Secret mission? What are you talking about?" Before he could get an answer, shots were blasted close to them, taking off some of the wall aside 3PO's head. With renewed vigor, he rushed into the pod as fast as his stiff legs would go. The pod, thusly, jettisoned.

3po noted, "That's funny, the damage doesn't look as bad from out here" as he and R2 gazed at the two swiftly shrinking ships. R2 beeped in agreement. The droids were hurtling toward a planet colored with browns and yellows, most likely a desert.

The woman in white, with cuffed hands, was being escorted by the Imperial troops. Down two hallways, they encountered Lord Vader. The woman in white regarded her with contempt briefly before saying: "Darth Vader, only you could be so bold. The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this. When they hear that you've attacked a diplomatic-"

She was cut off by the arrogant explanation Vader gave. "Don't act so surprised, your highness, you are on no _mercy_ mission. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies. now, I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you."

The woman in white was dumbfounded for a fraction of a second while she formulated a lie that would satisfy Vader. "I don't know what you're talking about" was the best she had. "I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan!"

"You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor, take her away!" the order was carried out by the Storm Troopers at the woman's side. They marched her away to the Imperial ship while Vader turned the other direction to continue her fruitless search. A commander, dressed in a black uniform, approached Vader.

"Holding her is dangerous. If word gets out it could generate sympathy for the Rebellion". Vader didn't seem too worried.

"I've traced the Rebel spies to her. Now she's my only link to finding their secret base."

"She'll die before she'll tell you anything!" Vader had grown tired of the conversation. She gave the commander orders to send a distress signal, and to make it appear as though everyone on board was killed. Someone called to her presently with unpleasant news.

"Lord Vader, the plans were not aboard this ship, and no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the attack, but no life forms were registered on it."

"She must have hidden the plans on the escape pod." She gave the man orders to send a team down the the planet and search for the pod. "There'll be no one to stop us this time" were her parting words as the two men saluted and carried out her commands.


	2. Droids in the Desert

On the desert planet of Tatooine, the two droids had freed themselves from the pod, and were making their way down a sand dune. R2 was beeping while 3po was complaining.

"We seem to be made to suffer, it's our lot in life" he whined, "I've got to rest before I fall apart, my joints are almost frozen!" Beyond them lay hundreds upon thousands of high dunes. 3PO continued to complain. R2 appeared to be fed up, as he started traveling in the opposite direction. His counterpart took notice of this.

"Where do you think you're going?" R2 beeped an answer. "Well I'm not going that way. This way is much easier" he continued, gesturing toward the endless desert. "What's so good about over there?"

R2 beeped wildly again about his mission. "I've just about had enough of you." He pointed his stiff arm away from himself, "Fine then. Go that way. You'll be malfunctioning within a day." He began his walk in the opposite direction, away from the short, blue-plated droid. "And don't let me catch you following me either." R2 beeped some more, watching C3po waddle through the dry sand, muttering to himself all the while. R2 thus began his journey toward the opposite direction, carrying out whatever was his secret mission.

3PO had walked a far distance, and had seen no settlement so far; just miles and miles of dunes...and an occasional bleached skeleton of some sort of creature that resembled a dragon, as a reminder that he was in a baron wasteland where even a droid could perish. "That malfunctioning little twerp," he muttered, "This is all his fault!" He tried to console himself: "...But he'll do no better."

He turned around to scan the horizon, if he had missed anything on his journey thus far. He noticed something. "Wait, what's that?" A dark shape loomed over a nearby dune. It increased in size until 3PO recognized it: a transport. He started waving his arms as wildly as he could manage, shouting all the while. "Hey! Heeeey! Over here!! Please help!"

While the protocol droid was off marching on sand dunes, R2D2 had found himself in a canyon of sorts, with walls made out of red stone. He rolled along a path, beeping to himself. In crevasses and cracks in the rock walls, specks of light peered out at the blue machine. It was not until rocks fell from a ledge did R2 realize he was being watched.

He continued on cautiously, his beeping becoming low pitched and nervous. His head swiveled about, looking in all directions. From time to time he caught a glimpse of a head or two with brilliant yellow eyes.

A small creature in a brown robe with a hood that hid its face, save for its shining eyes, jumped in front of R2, blocking his path. The thing yelled something in an alien language and fired an equally alien weapon. R2 froze where he stood as arches of blue electricity coursed around his body. He emitted a loud screeching noise, followed by the erratic noise of a computer crashing, before falling face first into the dirt, stiff as a board.

The small creature's counterparts soon joined him, running out from their little hiding places to pick up the droid an carry him off, mumbling in their language all the while. A huge transport was their destination. The creatures placed the droid down and stepped away. A huge tube was lowered down above R2. One of the creatures affixed a restraining bolt to the droid, before R2 was sucked up into the huge tube. The device was pulled up again as the creatures scurried up the steps into their absurdly large vehicle. Does anyone else suspect Little Persons Syndrome?

A silver humanoid droid with large insect-like eyes was the sight R2 woke up to. He had landed on his back, and righted himself; some scrap metal fell from his head. His head swiveled to take in his surroundings: in a corner, a droid resembling a garbage can stood silent. A red R3 unit was also there. The silver droid he first saw said something in an alien language, and R2 beeped in response. The R3 unit began to speak, and in doing so, the other droids in the space were encouraged to start to move around once more.

R2 hobbled his way through the mess when he spotted a golden lump sitting on the floor. The lump stood and said "R2?" It was C3PO. R2 beeped happily to see his 'friend' again. "R2D2, it is you!" 3PO said, coming over to the short droid's side and laying a hand on his head. The space shook as the transport they were in started moving about the terrain, headed in an unknown direction. But surely C3PO could take comfort in the fact that he had been right: R2 had fared no better than he had.

Meanwhile, the Empire was not wasting it's time in searching the planet for the contents of the escape pod. Storm Troopers had been sent down to investigate. Some were riding large creatures, the 'horses of Tatooine', one might say.

"Someone was in the pod," one of them observed, "the tracks lead off in this direction" he said as he pointed. One of the Troops had found a metal ring in the dust. He held it up for his commander to see. "Look Sir, droids!"

His superior looked at him. "And how did you deduce that? From a small metal ring you found in the sand? That could have come from the pod!" The soldier hung his head. The commander looked at the tracks again. One of the tracks was made from some sort of wheel. Obviously not human. "Oh, wait, I suppose these were droids...sorry." The soldier pantomimed the emotion of 'peeved', as one could not see someone else's face through helmets such as theirs.

The transport had been traveling all night. It was now mid-morning, and the destination had apparently been reached, for 3PO noticed that they had stopped moving. He poked R2 with his hand, "Wake up, you." R2 beeped as he lit up. A wall opened up as the little creatures scurried in. 3PO was worried; "We're doomed".

The creatures began selecting droids for to file out into the sun. "You think they'll melt us down?" he asked R2. R2's head swiveled from side to side. One of the creatures pointed at 3PO, then at R2. "Will this never end?" He asked. R2 apparently didn't know.

Outside, the creatures were lining droids up in a row, making them look presentable. 3PO noticed a small building: a house. Two people had come out of the door way. One of the creatures had come to meet them as they stepped out.

--

Xeirei Skywalker had stepped out into the hot sun with her Uncle, Owen. A Jawa had greeted them. About six or seven droids had been lined up, just waiting to be sold for labor on a farm such as theirs. She was following her Uncle when her Aunt called to her. She jogged to see what Aunt Beru wanted.

Aunt Beru was in a sort of courtyard, sunken into the ground. "Tell your uncle if he gets a translator be sure it speaks Batchi!" she yelled, as Xeirei peered at her from over a ledge. "Ok!" Xeirei started back towards her uncle and the group of Jawas. He was being led by a Jawa as the Jawa pointed out various droids. Owen said no to several till he got to a golden humanoid droid.

"You, I suppose you're programmed for edict and protocol" he asked of the droid. "Protocol? Why it's my primary function, sir" the droid answered.

Owen shook his head. "I have no need for a protocol droid." He was about to move on before the droid spoke again: "Not in an environment such as this". Owen decided to continue this conversation. "What I really need is a droid who understands the binary language of moisture evaporators".

"Why sir, my first job was programming binary locators, very similar to your evaporators!" Owen was interested. "You speak Batchi?" he asked. "Of course I can sir! It's like a second language to me." Owen was satisfied. He turned to the Jawa standing next to him and said that he'd take the droid. He then called for Xeirei. When she came, he gave her a task: "Get these two and take them to the garage, I want them cleaned up before diner", he said, pointing to the golden protocol droid and a red R2 unit.

Xeirei protested, "But I was going into Tashi's Station to pick up some power converters!" Owen shook his head. "You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done." Xeirei sighed and looked at the golden droid. "All right, come one." The droid followed her. "You too, red" she said, beckoning the red R2 unit. The droid beeped and began to roll toward Xeirei.

--

R2D2 began rocking back and forth and beeping wildly as he watched C-3PO walk away with the stranger. 3PO looked back as R2 called to him. A Jawa put an end to R2's actions by the restraining bolt attached to the droid. R2 ceased moving, and 3PO continued on. There was nothing he could do.

The red R2 unit began to smoke profusely before it stopped functioning altogether. Xeirei called to her uncle who was haggling with a Jawa. "This R2 unit has a bad motivator!" Owen's mood turned sour. "Hey, what are ya tryin' to push on us?" he asked the Jawa, who threw his hands up in the air in astonishment.

3PO ceased his chance. He tapped Xeirei on the shoulder and pointed to R2D2. "Excuse me, but that R2 unit is in prime condition." Xeirei asked her uncle about the blue droid. Owen thusly traded the busted droid for the feisty little blue droid. The Jawas hauled away the red smoking canister as 3PO continued to vouch for R2. "He really is in 1st class condition, I've worked with him before." R2 rolled up to 3PO, beeping happily now that he was not to be separated from his 'friend'. Xeirei sighed again and gestured toward the house. "Ok, let's go."


End file.
